Still Missing: Christmas Spirit

Tonight is Christmas Eve or Nochebuena, as it’s known here in Puerto Rico. A time for family gatherings to celebrate in anticipation of Christmas. A time when kids wonder if the pudgy man from the North Pole will bring them everything they asked for, when he makes his rounds later in the night. For me, today was just another uneventful Thursday.

No, I’m not a Grinch or a Scrooge who gripes, complains or even hates the holidays and everything related to it. What I am, for the second year in a row, is short on Christmas spirit.

As I type this, I look around and I can’t spot a single Christmas ornament. No lights. No garlands. Not even a Christmas tree. Wasn’t always like this, though.

A little over a year ago, I lost my best friend. I lost my favorite movie partner. A man whose words I’d give anything to hear right now. A man who was everything I aspire to be. My dad. Christmas just stopped being relevant. It just ceased to matter. I reckon It wont be like this forever. I know I’ll find my Christmas Spirit again. I want to.

But just because I choose to boycott my own Christmas, doesn’t mean I have to ruin it for everyone else. So, whoever you may be, I truly wish you & yours have a Merry Christmas, even if I won’t. Maybe next year. Hopefully.

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24 Responses to “Still Missing: Christmas Spirit”

  1. bearmancartoons Says:

    Having lost my own dad several years back, I can say it doesn’t get easier but I find myself doing things purposefully that he loved to do as my way to continue to honor him and remember him.

    Hope you find your Christmas spirit again.

  2. Alexandra Says:

    I was very sad to hear about what happened to you, but do not worry. The spirit will surely come back, give it time!
    Thank you for the wish, and I hope your Christmas is nice anyway πŸ™‚

  3. frigginloon Says:

    Hey Siegfried, bit of a bummer post for my first visit but anywho when my grandmother died we all stopped having the family home cooked turkey festive celebrations thingy. Now we all go out the a restaurant instead because it could never be the same. Despite us all enjoying our meal we did note the absence of a couple who were always at a table near us for every Christmas. Sadly the husband had passed away during the year and his wife didn’t have the heart to come alone. So you aren’t the only one Siegfried feeling Christmas spiritless. I am sure despite how you feel your dad isn’t too far away.

    • Siegfried Says:

      Hi Loon. Trying to adjust and accept that my father doesn’t belong in this physical world anymore, has been a bit surreal. I guess my mom, sister & myself feel like the absent wife at your restaurant. I know experiencing loss is a part of life. I just wish mine hadn’t come so soon.

      Thank you for sharing that with me, and for your words of optimism.

  4. NobblySan Says:

    Hi Siegfried,

    My parents died a few years ago, and a few years apart.

    It does get easier, mate – trust me. But just because it gets easier doesn’t mean I don’t miss them (especially at this time of year), it just means that I’ve learned to cope with it.

    But everybody is different, so deal with your loss in your own way for now, and re-assess things when you see fit.

    Best wishes.

    • Siegfried Says:

      Hi NobblySan, thanks for sharing your experience with me. It means a lot. I reckon time will help me come to terms with my father’s absence. Thank you for the wishes and thanks for stopping by.

  5. Dave Hambidge Says:

    At the great risk of disagreeing with many good blogging friends above, may I say that Xmas and all the other annual celebrations will get better, but be different. Like all human relationships, be they with living or the passed on, things evolve and develop. Hang in there, in hope.

    • Siegfried Says:

      Hi Dave. Appreciate you stopping by. Completely understand what you said, and I agree. Change is not easy, but necessary. I know there will come a time when I’ll be able to enjoy what I used to. It won’t be the same. It’ll be just different. Different β‰  bad. I’m hopeful. Looking forward to my new commencement. Thank you for your thoughts and take care.

  6. Susi Spice Says:

    hi ziggy im sorry for your loss… as my mum is critically ill i count all the holidays i spend with her and appreciate them knowing each one could be the last πŸ™‚

    sorry for visiting so late, but i went away for the christmas break. big hugs you shouldve come with us! u wouldve had a ball! πŸ™‚

    • Siegfried Says:

      Hey Susi. Thank you. I actually had read about you taking care of your mom, when I stumbled across your blog. I think that’s very honorable. You’re a great daughter. God bless you & your mom. πŸ™‚

      I was looking forward to taking care of my dad. We took him to the hospital on his birthday and 6 days later we were picking up his ashes. How we’re still sane is beyond me.

      Who knows, maybe next year I’ll go spend Christmas Down Under. Curious about that lamb on the spit, even though the ‘spit’ part doesn’t make it sound delicious. πŸ™‚

  7. Ruth Lorena Says:

    Ah Siegs. As much as I can relate, I simply never know how to express it when it comes to times such as these. Sadly, people are never ready for it, but as they say: death is a part of life. I find that celebrating the life that was is a better way to approach it. We were lucky enough to have shared it with them, lucky as hell to have had them with us for so long. They gave us their best, and we are better people because of it. I just hope you can find a way to see the events of what happened in a different light, even though I know doing so doesnt guarantee any hope.

    As for Christmas, dont worry, its not you. Christmas time really has been quite a bore this year. Im still waiting for the festive music to kick in any time now. Next year, my advice, hang some ornaments early on in the season! Get some “trulla” music, and maybe (im still hoping for it to this day), the spirit will show itself. If not, you know you are always welcome to come over. Ill make some “pernil” (Ill try), and who knows, maybe a new tradition can begin.

    Merry belated Christmas to you too. Best wishes for you and the family for the new year.

    • Siegfried Says:

      Hey Ruthy. I don’t really buy into the whole “never know how to express it…”, ’cause you do it pretty darn good. Life deprived my father of his parents when he was only a child. So, I will always feel grateful for the privilege of having had him in my life for a little over 28 years.

      I’ll take you up on that roasted pork offer. Maybe that’s what it takes for me to drive my lazy butt over to your place. Thank you for the wishes, and right back atcha. πŸ™‚ Take care my friend.

  8. bearmancartoons Says:

    Bringing you good cheer. I added you to my blog roll.

  9. jammer5 Says:

    My father passed away in 1999. I flew out to San Diego to visit him a couple months earlier, and when I left, I knew it was the last time I would see him alive. Sadly, that proved correct. I moved my mom the Joplin, because it’s all she could afford, and took care of her until she passed away in 2005.

    There’s an emptiness that invades the mind and body when parents pass on. And that’s how it should be. The strings of the parents stay attached long after we leave the nest, and when they break, it’s like sudden cessation of the closeness we thought would always be there. It’s called loneliness, and it eventually passes.

    keep your friends close, because they need you as much as you need them. Christmas will come around next year, as it always does. Put up a tree then, and the top star will be your dad. Mines both mom and dad.

    • jammer5 Says:

      BTW, you’re on my blog roll. I hope you don’t mind.

    • Siegfried Says:

      I can’t even begin to describe accurately the feeling that overcame me while reading this. Infinite gratitude might suffice. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me. I really liked your suggestion. Next year, I will have a tree and its crowning star will be my dad. Take very much care of yourself, and thanks again.

  10. rtm Says:

    Hi Siegfried, I’m so touched by your heartfelt post. My mother died exactly on my 16th birthday and my absent father died just a year ago. I’m not saying I can relate to you because every loss β€” especially of a parent β€” is a unique experience. But like many have said, I agree about being grateful for the privilege of having them around when we did, I still cherished the short time spent with my mother and thank God for ’em. I know it’s late but the spirit of Christmas is more than an ornament, a tree and especially not about the pudgy guy from the North Pole… for me, it’s about Someone who loves us so much that He became one of us and thanks to Him I find strength through everything life throws at me. With that, I wish you a very blessed New Year!

    • Siegfried Says:

      Hey Mrs. Ruth. Welcome. Appreciate you taking the time to share a bit of your life’s experience with me. I’ll always be grateful for the time the cosmic engineer allowed my Dad to be with us. Thank you for the wish and the same to you. Also, thanks for visiting my blog and I look forward for more FlixChatter. πŸ™‚

  11. sekanblogger Says:

    Christmas sucks, for all the reasons discussed above.
    I get the depressed empty feeling every year.

  12. Julia - Aberrant Crochet Says:

    ::hugs::

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